Happy Sequential Numbers Day!  Nerd alert:  this is the penultimate sequential number day of the century.  Don’t worry, The Machine’s already planning its 12/13/14 bender.  Until then, let’s talk a little fantasy football.

Way back in August, The Machine gave you 5 names to avoid this season, and, not to toot our own horn but damn we’re good.  Mike Wallace?  1 td.  Arian Foster?  Out for the year.  Hakeem Nicks?  0 tds.  Darren McFadden?  Out.  Joe Flacco?  11 ints in 9 games.  Chances are, if you got one of those guys on your team, you’re struggling.  But these are far from the only disappointing players this year.  In this Tuesday Teabag, we give you 5 additional players who have earned the right be called a bust.

It’s important to note that, when we say bust, we don’t mean players who get injured.  Injuries are part of the game, they’re unfortunate, and sure, they can kill your fantasy team.  But injuries have a sense of finality to them.  When Julio Jones goes down, don’t get mad, get your ass to the waiver wire and pick up Harry Douglas.  But with busts, it’s different.  These are people who had high expectations and are simply underperforming, and in the process are slowly and painfully killing your team week after week.  To make matters worse, (a) you probably spent a high draft pick on them, (b) because they now suck they have no trade value, and (c) you’re forced to continue to play them because, the moment you sit them they’ll have their breakout game.  Do I sound bitter?  It’s probably because 3 of the following 5 assholes are currently on my team. 

Suddenly, Indy’s hoping Vick Ballard heals quickly.

Trent Richardson, RB, Indianapolis

By far, the biggest disappointment this season.  At the beginning of the year, Trent was a late first round pick.  He had a solid rookie year, running for over 1,300 yards, 13 tds, and 65 receptions for Cleveland.  When he got traded to Indy after Week 2, everyone thought this would elevate Trent to a Top 5 running back, including yours truly who quickly traded for him, sat back, and laughed at what I steal I got (and what a steal Indy got, giving up a first round pick for the #3 overall pick 17 months prior). 

Everything was in Trent’s favor:  he was going to a contender, and was going to play the Edgerrin James to Andrew Luck’s Peyton.  At only 22 years old, Trent was the perfect complement to Indy’s offense.  On paper, it was perfect.  In reality (and fantasy) a total bust.  In his 7 games as a Colt, Trent’s rushed for a total of 250 yards, a whopping 35 yards per game, and has barely factored into the passing game, averaging one catch a game. 

Move over sophomore year slumpbuster, trading for Trent is now my biggest regret.

Hey Ray, got any deer antler spray I could borrow?

Ray Rice, RB, Baltimore

Ray has been a huge disappointment this year, both to fantasy owners and Ravens fans.  In nine games, he’s rushed for 289 yards.  His 2.5 YPC are nowhere near his career average (4.4), and he almost has as many fumbles (2) as tds (3).  Ray was a consensus first round pick and, at 26, is in the prime of his career.  Unfortunately, he’s a shell of his former self, and sucking the life out of your team.

Justin’s problem isn’t catching the rock…it’s smoking it.

Justin Blackmon, WR Jacksonville

The wise fantasy football player picked up Blackmon with a late round pick during the draft and waited, knowing that a small 4 game suspension is worth it for a player who was a Top 5 WR the last half of the 2012 season.  Ginger King was so high (pun intended) on Justin that I drafted him in not one, but two, leagues.  And Justin delivered.  When he came off of suspension, Blackmon was an absolute monster, highlighted by a huge 14/190 performance against Denver.  He averaged over 7 catches and 100 yards in his first four games back.  His only problem:  those were his only games of the season.  Justin was suspended indefinitely for his third (yes, third) violation of the NFL’s substance abuse policy, impressive considering he’s been in the league less than two years.  It appears he smokes the rock as good (if not better) than he catches the rock.  We’re hoping Justin gets the help he needs…we’re also helping his (inevitable) trip to rehab goes like this:

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Why won’t Aaron return my calls?

Greg Jennings, WR Minnesota

Does the quarterback make the wide receiver or the wide receiver make the quarterback?  In Greg Jennings’ case, the answer is clear.  After switching from Green Bay to rival Minnesota, Jennings talked some serious trash about his former employer and quarterback.  He was supposed to provide the outside threat that would open up more running lanes for AP.  Instead, Vikings fans have been treated to Troy Williamson 2.0.  He’s averaging an abysmal 3.7/45.5 per game.  Granted, the triumvirate of Christian Ponder, Matt Cassel, and Josh Freeman is horrible, but a #1 WR should be able to put up solid numbers regardless who’s under center.  Christ, Justin Blackmon lit it up (pun intended) with Chad Henne and Blaine Gabbert at the helm.  The only thing Jennings has proven is that he can talk like a #1 WR.

How much weed does $56 million get you? A lot.

Dwayne Bowe, WR Kansas City

After signing a 5 year, $56 million dollar contract in the offseason, much was expected of Bowe.  With only 2 tds and 33 receptions so far, Bowe is averaging a dismal 3.6/41 per game.  Now, we know Alex “Game Manager” Smith will never make a king out of a wide receiver, but Bowe is simply too good to be putting up such wretched numbers.  As if his problems on the field weren’t bad enough, he now has this to deal with.  Puff puff give!!!

Honorable mentions:  Eli Manning, RGIII, CJ Spiller, MJD

If any of these guys are on your team, we feel your pain.  Based on their output this season, the logical thing to do is to bench and/or trade these fools.  However, based on their body of work thus far, you’re never going to get good value for them on the trade market, and dropping them outright is too much of a kick in the balls.  Instead, because of their immense talent and your stubbornness to let go, you’re forced to continue to play them (except Blackmon), wistfully hoping that they will come out of their funk in time to turn your team around.  Good luck with that.

Enjoy your teabag.

Bully, or Employee of the Month?

Yesterday, The Machine awarded our Tuesday Teabag to Richie Incognito (whose name, we’re told, is code for “Dick in Disguise”) for his bullying/harassment of Jonathon Martin and subsequent suspension from the Dolphins.  The story seems simply:  a player with a known history of anger issues and being a douche clown harassed and intimidated a teammate.  Everyone was quick to jump on the “Condemn Richie” bandwagon.  However, this story has elevated to Manti Te’o crazy…we’re learning new things constantly, and it just keeps getting crazier and crazier.  And because journalistic integrity is super important to The Machine, we want to give you the latest, which is this:

Richie Incognito is a victim.

Let that marinate for a second, and then hear us out.  Yesterday, we (astutely) said the following:  “Makes you think that [the Dolphins are] taking it seriously not because they just found out about it, but because everyone else did.”

Bingo!  That’s exactly what’s happened.  Last night, the Sun Sentinel reported that Dolphins coaches instructed Incognito to “toughen up” Martin, and that’s what led to Richie leaving that voice message and his persistent targeting of him.  And the timing supports this.  The voice mail in question was left in April, right after Martin missed two days of (voluntary) team practices.  That’s when Richie, known as the Team Enforcer, was told by coaches to contact Martin to “get him in the fold.”  He did it at the direction of his employer, and now he’s being held out as the sacrificial lamb for doing his job. 

Now, of course the Dolphins will say that they didn’t know what Richie was going to say, they never told him to say those things, and that he crossed the line.  That all may be true, it’s all after the fact, cover your ass bullshit.  Why didn’t the Dolphins ask Ryan Tannehill to reach out to Martin?  Because they wanted to send the right message, and now the Dolphins are doing everything they can to distance themselves from the messenger.

But it’s too little too late.  It’s like hiring Ron Jeremy to teach your son about sex, and then getting pissed when he goes for the money shot on the neighbor’s daughter. 

Richie, get back there and practice that message again, this time with a little more flare!

So how is Richie the victim?  Perhaps he really had changed his ways (or was trying to) but the team kept calling on him to be the Enforcer, the take no prisoners asshole that gets everyone in line.  Maybe he was just doing his job, perhaps overzealously, but still at the direction of his employer.  That explains why there is more support for Richie in the Dolphins locker room than Martin.  He was doing what he was told, for the betterment of the team.  The same team that callously used him and then tossed him aside.

There are a ton of things wrong here, and by wrong we mean actionable conduct that the league will be forced to investigate.  First, the fact that the team is (allegedly) pressuring players to attend voluntary team workouts.  These voluntary practices are exactly that…voluntary, and they are voluntary because that are specifically bargained for in the Collective Bargaining Agreement between the league and the NFLPA.  Any violation by a team of the CBA is a big no-no, what lawyers refer to as a ULP (Unfair Labor Practice).  To use another legal term:  that’s some serious shit.

Also, it seems that the Dolphins not only knew that Richie was harassing Martin, but instructed him to do so.  Can you say hostile work environment?  An employer ordering an employee to “toughen up” another employee is frowned upon, especially when the employer asks someone known as “the Enforcer” to do their bidding.

The Dolphins quick response to this issue, while championed by folks as showing the world that they’re not going to tolerate this sort of behavior, is all a smokescreen, designed to protect the organization.  However, the spotlight has been (rightfully) put on the team, and The Machine’s willing to bet that the Dolphins aren’t going to be able to withstand scrutiny.  We’re thinking fines, potential loss of draft picks, and suspensions from the coaching staff.  Coach Philbin has some explaining to do. 

This has now become larger than Richie Incognito (don’t worry, he’s still worthy of his Teabag).  This has changed from a player (on his own) harassing a teammate into a team-sanctioned policy of violating the CBA and actively assisting in creating a hostile work environment.  Heads are going to roll.

Who knows where this will end, but this much is for sure:  there’s still a lot more crazy to be uncovered.

O’Doyle Rules!!!

When is too much of a good thing bad?  Look no further than this week’s Tuesday Teabag Award recipient, Richie Incognito.  Richie took an innocent thing that is rookie pranks (or hazing if you’re a liberal with no sense of humor) to a whole new level, and in the process is the first player banned for being a bully. #thisaintyourdaddysnfl

Bullying is all the rage in high school, prompting an outpour of anti-bullying campaigns.  #bulliesaremean #stopitdouche.  [sidebar:  The Machine (not so) fondly remembers being ridiculed for our (sweet looking) ginger locks EVERY DAY in high school…way to come late to the party you anti-bullying freaks].  I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that this behavior exists outside of high school, and it shouldn’t be any surprise that this type of behavior exists in an NFL locker room.  But Richie took it to a whole new level.

Last week, it was announced that Miami Dolphin Jonathon Martin, a second year pro out of Stanford, took a leave of absence from the team after suffering an “emotional breakdown” in the lunch room after he was teased by other players.  [sidebar:  NFL teams have lunch rooms?  Shit, it really is like high school.]  As soon as this story broke, The Machine thought two things:  (1) there’s way more to this story, and (2) Richie Incognito’s involved.

Why would we think Richie’s involved?  First, one look at the guy screams “uncontrollable rage” and “meathead”.  Then, there’s this.  And this.  And this.  And this.  Here’s a nice timeline of his dickbag behavior.  Oh, and Richie is annually rated as one of the most dirtiest players in the NFL.  Yeah, he’s a special kind of asshole.  However, when the story first broke, we thought maybe Martin’s a bit over-sensitive and that his tenure at Stanford didn’t really prepare him for the good-natured ribbing that goes on in the NFL.  Then, we learned that Richie (allegedly) forced Martin to pay $15k to cover the cost for a trip to Las Vegas (that Martin didn’t even go on).  Then, we learned that Richie (allegedly) left the following voice message to Martin:

“Hey, wassup, you half n—– piece of s—. I saw you on Twitter, you been training 10 weeks. [I want to] s— in your f—ing mouth. [I’m going to] slap your f—ing mouth. [I’m going to] slap your real mother across the face [laughter]. F— you, you’re still a rookie. I’ll kill you.”

Wowee.  And, we’re willing to bet that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  The Machine’s money is on a treasure trove of incriminating evidence against Richie.  It’s a combination of (a) Richie’s that dumb to leave voice messages and probably texts and e-mails too, and (b) Martin’s that smart to keep it all.

And Miami had no choice but to suspend Incognito, especially after the (alleged) voice message that made Riley Cooper look like choir boy.  You know that, for the Dolphins to suspend him, the conduct had to be egregious by any reasonable standard.

Why is that?  Because the NFL (and every sports league in the world) tolerates a certain level of hazing.  You always hear of rookies being tied to the goalposts, or having to carry the veterans’ shoulder pads to practice, or picking up the dinner tab for the team.  These things are reported almost matter-of-factly.  Of course that’s going to happen, and we’re ok with that.  These are grown ass millionaires, and the rookies need to be taught a lesson by the veterans.  It’s all about respect.  But, too much of a good thing can be bad.  And in this case, the “good thing” has turned into harassment.

True to his character, Richie refuses to stand down, and, instead of keeping a low profile, has taken to Twitter to defend himself/threaten the media:

@AdamSchefter Enough is enough If you or any of the agents you sound off for have a problem with me, you know where to find me #BRINGIT

— Richie incognito (@68INCOGNITO) November 3, 2013

@espn shame on you for attaching my name to false speculation. I won’t be holding my breathe for an apology

— Richie incognito (@68INCOGNITO) November 3, 2013

@AdamSchefter Stop slandering my name. You hide behind “sources” who are not man enough to put their name behind the BS you report

— Richie incognito (@68INCOGNITO) November 3, 2013

@espn @CBSSports @NBCSports @FOXSports @ProFootballTalk I want my name CLEARED

— Richie incognito (@68INCOGNITO) November 3, 2013

We’re going to go out on a limb here and say that threatening people on social media is probably not the best way to go about restoring your name.  We’re also willing to bet that Richie’s played his last game in the NFL (imminent departure alert:  we bet the Dolphins release him by the end of the week).  But don’t give them too much credit.  It’s easy for the Dolphins and the league to come down hard on him…it’s 100% clear he’s in the wrong, just like it’s easy to cut the bench player that gets popped for a DWI but not the star player.

Clearly someone in the front office watches Glee, because it looks like they’re taking this seriously, however the question remains:  are they really taking it seriously, or are they forced to because of the severity of it?  There are broader questions here for the league to answer.  What about other “normal” rookie participation events, like being tied to the goalpost, carrying shoulder pads, and getting stuck with the dinner bill?  How far is the NFL going to go to police this conduct?  What about last year, when JPP threw Prince Amukamara in the cold tub because Prince was perceived as “soft.”  Is that too much?  Where do you draw the line?

It’s easy to draw the line with Richie (surprisingly, he still has some supporters in the locker room).  The league must be (silently) happy that it’s this clear-cut.  But what about the (soon to be organized) group of people (likely the same people who want Redskins changed) that will argue for anti-bullying laws?  Will the league step in and regulate other conduct that has historically been tolerated/encouraged as “team-building exercises”?  We’re willing to bet that the average NFL fan (and player) would not be in favor of banning (or regulating) the other conduct mentioned above.  It would be viewed by many as a further wussification of the NFL.  A place where tolerance and individuality are appreciated?  Fuck that, carry my bags rook.

And, something that’s being overlooked here, but the Dolphins played off of Richie’s bad-boy behavior?  What do we mean?  Here’s the pre-game video played before Dolphins games:

They knew he was a ticking timebomb, and there’s no way they just became aware of what he was doing to Martin.  Makes you think that they’re taking it seriously not because they just found out about it, but because everyone else did.

It will be interesting to see where the league takes this, but that’s a story for another day.  In the meantime, if Richie wants to play professional football again, he better read a few chapters of The Machine’s book, “The Perception of Compliance” (let’s be honest folks, there’s no way he really going to change, he’s from New Jersey after all).  We’re not sure if he has any small children (biologically or being held against their will) but if he does he should bring them to a playground ASAP.  Cover up the tatted arms and be all smiles while your child (actual or kidnap victim) plays on the see-saw.  Perhaps a photo or two at the Dairy Queen where your faces are covered in chocolate ice cream AND rainbow sprinkles (using both shows your racial and gender orientation sensitivity).  You can bang that out in an afternoon and have plenty of time left in the day to hate minority groups and the gays (% that Richie’s a homophobe:  1000%).

Embarking on an “I’m the victim” campaign ain’t gonna cut it, not when those (alleged) voice mails get leaked, and continuing to threaten people on Twitter probably isn’t the right strategy either.  If he’s smart, he lays low for a while and then comes out with a big mea culpa and a Certificate of Sensitivity Training.  However, we all know that’s a big if.

Enjoy your teabag.

Get off my lawn, punks!

Admittedly, The Machine doesn’t know much about NASCAR, outside of Ricky Bobby and Dick Trickle (he he).  Can anyone explain to us why its biggest race (the Daytona 500, the Super Bowl of NASCAR) is the first race of the year?  What we do know about NASCAR—formed from us having attended one NASCAR race plus our innate ability to accurately stereotype people—is this:.  (i) drinking is required, (ii) smoking is encouraged, and (iii) you can use the phrase “git-r-done” un-mockingly (“come on Kenseth, git-r-done on the outside!”).  Also, 100% of the People of Wal-Mart are NASCAR fans. 

But what we lack in general automotive knowledge (why aren’t the cars automatic, and where are the fucking doors?) we make up in understanding a good old pissing contest, and we got a good one brewing on the track.

Kevin Harvick (or #29 to the NASCAR fan) is a driver for Richard Childress Racing, but not for long.  He’s leaving RCR at the end of the year to sign with rival Stewart-Haas Racing [wait, how can you still be under contract yet already have a deal to go to another team?].  He’s been with RCR for 13 years, so naturally there’s a lot of history between them, and both sides should try and end things on the right note.  Or not.

The future of RCR: Cowboy hats and designer shades.

It seems that the main problem Harvick has with RCR is that he’s being pushed out in favor of Ty and Austin Dillon, who just happen to be Richard Childress’ grandsons.  This all came to a head on Saturday night, during a Truck Series race. [Note: is Truck Series NASCAR?  How can some people race both cars and trucks in different series?]

Harvick was running second with 12 laps to go, and Ty – his teammate – was running third.  Ty, trying to pass his “teammate”, hits him from behind causing an accident.  The accident causes Harvick to finish 30^th (Ty finished 22^nd).  But post-race things got really interesting…as in Jerry Springer interesting.

A pissed off Harvick went to seek out Ty, and, while he was in Dillon’s pit stall [whatever that is] Dillon’s crew member threw a hammer at his truck.  This only added fuel to the fire.  Said Harvick, “I don’t care what they throw at me.  That’s exactly the reason I’m leaving RCR is because you’ve got those punk-ass kids coming up.”  Wanting to make sure his get your ball out of my yard message was received, Harvick continued.  “Exactly the reason why I’m leaving RCR because you’ve got those kids coming up and they’ve got no respect for what they do in this sport and they’ve had everything fed to them with a spoon.”

Hates old people, except Grandaddy Moneybags.

21-year-old Ty, confirming the disdain that the youth of today have for adults, said “I don’t care what Kevin Harvick said.  I don’t think anybody does.”  Harvick did later apologize, but the damage was already done.

The Machine’s take:  this isn’t, excuse me, ain’t the NASCAR we’ve come to know and stereotype.  We thought all NASCAR disputes were settled via a case of Old Milwaukie and a boot to the head…but reasonably explaining your emotions to the media and then apologizing for your comments???  That isn’t, sorry, ain’t NASCAR.  Also, Ty and Austin?  Those ain’t NASCAR names, sounds like they belong at the country club, not the racetrack.  Rusty, Junior, Denny, Robbie.  Those are NASCAR names.  And, lost in all of this was the fact that the Dale Wallace Jr. (great NASCAR name, btw) won the race, becoming the first African-American driver to win a NASCAR race in over 50 years.  What???  Commence mind being blown.

We feel bad for Harvick.  It’s clear he’s being pushed out of RCR for “the future” and it’s clear the future is two spoiled, entitled rich kids, the antithesis of everything NASCAR.  However, if Harvick wants to instill old-school NASCAR values into these young whipper snappers, he needs to do it the NASCAR way: crank up the country, put on your shit kickers, and git-r-done!  The only way you’ll get through to the youth of today is by humbling them at their own game.  We’re hoping Harvick spins out that sumbitch on the track next year.  Rubbin’ is racin’!

Will this controversy get us to watch NASCAR?  Probably not, but, as the most watched sport in America, they’re certainly not hurting for fans.  The most watched sport in America?  Damn, we really are (willfully) ignorant of the rest of the country…perhaps due to our (genuine) fear of the South.  But we do know this:  if you’re ever stuck in a conversation with NASCAR people, or made a wrong turn and ended up in Talladega or a Bass Pro Shop, just utter the following phrase:  “Junior aint’ never gunna be like his daddy!”  That should get you out of most jams.

Shake and bake.

Enjoy your teabag.

Thanks Peyton for all your hard work…dick.

Loyal readers of The Machine know that we love excessive displays of wealth, power, and crazy.  It’s why we love A-Rod, Mike Tyson, RHONJ, and 80’s Hair Metal.  But even we have our limits…and our limit is reached when it comes to Jim Irsay.

Irsay is the owner of the Colts.  He’s outspoken and passionate, loves guitars, and is a huge fan of Twitter.  These things aren’t necessarily bad (ok, a 54-year-old man with a Twitter hard-on is a bit much) but throw in an over-bearing personality that loves to show off his wealth while at the same time professing he’s one of us, and it’s too much.  As an owner, he subscribes to the Jerry Jones School of Ownership Meddling, and that puts him in the middle of our crosshairs.

The Sunday night game featured the (previously) undefeated Broncos at the Colts.  Peyton Manning coming back to Indy to face his old team, you know, the team (and Owner) who thought he wasn’t good enough to keep playing.  Andrew Luck ready to show the world he’s ready to be the next great Colts QB.  A lot of meaningful storylines that added drama to this anticipated matchup.  And then there’s Irsay.

In the weeks leading up to the big game, Irsay wasted no time making sure the Peyton Manning bridge to Indy was completely burned.  In what can only be considered a backhanded compliment, Irsay noted the following in an interview with USA Today: 

“We’ve changed our model a little bit, because we wanted more than one of these,” Irsay says, flicking up his right hand to show his Super Bowl XLI championship ring.

“(Tom) Brady never had consistent numbers, but he has three of these,” Irsay adds. “Pittsburgh had two, the Giants had two, Baltimore had two and we had one. That leaves you frustrated.”

“You make the playoffs 11 times, and you’re out in the first round seven out of 11 times. You love to have the Star Wars numbers from Peyton and Marvin (Harrison) and Reggie (Wayne). Mostly, you love this.”  Then, Irsay flicks up his right hand again.

Now, obviously this was a dig at Peyton, and it was universally received as such.  John Fox, coach of the Broncos, called it “disappointing and inappropriate” and Todd Helton, yes the baseball player, called Irsay classless and an idiot.  This prompted Irsay to go to Twitter to set the record straight (note: the record has never been set straight via Twitter).

https://

My comments meant if we gave Peyton better SP Teams n Def,we would have won more than 1 Sup/Bowl,instead of asking Peyton 2do too much

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 16, 2013

Yeah, that totally makes sense.  If that’s the case, why didn’t you say that?  We’d have more respect for Irsay if he stood by his comments.  Instead, he blames “the media” for twisting his words and (very logically) adding meaning to what he says.

As luck would have it (pun intended), the Colts won on Sunday night.  This win alone speaks volumes, and should give Irsay all the satisfaction he needs.  However, like every mega-ego maniac, Irsay wasn’t satisfied with letting the win do the talking.  Back to Twitter!   

https://

What a Night! Great Video Tribute for #18,as our Fans cheered! Great Win as my Team gave me the VICTORIOUS Game Ball! SWEET! I was Humbled!

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 21, 2013

Ok, nice job trying to (re)build the Manning bridge (and good job recognizing that your fanbase still views him as a demi-god and would pick him over you any day).  Then, things took a quick turn to crazy.

https://

I do pray for you unhappy,shit-slingers…who wants to live on a planet with those who don’t like themselves..we want happy,kind people:)

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 21, 2013

Then, perhaps addressing (legitimate) questions like “hey man, it’s 3:00 in the morning and you’re dropping shit-slingers on Twitter…you hammered?” Irsay clarified his state of mind: 

https://

Actually working,sorry naysayers..I don’t drink…haven’t in over 15 years..I know when your unhappy or jealous it’s easy to b mean-spirited

— Jim Irsay (@JimIrsay) October 21, 2013

 

And why haven’t you thrown one back in over 15 years, Jim?  Oh yeah, that’s why. 

Blue hair and glazed eyes definitely not alcohol induced.

Ok Jim, The Machine’s going to level with you:  stop being a fame whore owner.  You’ve done a good job building, and now rebuilding, the Colts.  Let that serve as your body of work.  Trashing former players, folding like a two dollar hooker when called out, and otherwise acting like a douche is not the way to go.  Your eccentricities will eventually wear everyone down and turn them against you (see Davis, Al). 

Nothing says “average joe” like posing in front of a dozen custom-made guitars and a Super Bowl trophy.

And stop trying to be a man of the people.  You’re not one of us, buddy, and you’re not a Mark Cuban-like success story.  You’re the owner of the Colts because your daddy was the owner of the Colts.  Shit, the only things my dad gave me were bad knees and a receding hairline.

And stop tweeting so much, unless you want to RT this article.  That’s cool.

Enjoy your Teabag.

It’s not you Steve, it’s them.

So what city has the worst baseball fans?  Coming up with a Top 5 (in alphabetical order) is easy:  Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles, New York, and Philadelphia (damn, we’re a bunch of scumbags on the east coast).  But picking a number 1?  That gets a little tougher.  Each city could lay claim to that title, but The Machine gives you the real answer, after analyzing it through our exclusive Teabag-ometer® : 

 Yes, loyal Machine readers.  Chicago, and in particular Cubs fans, are the Worst.  Fans.  Ever.  Sure, your chances of getting killed at a Dodgers game are pretty high, but that’s only if you root for the other team.  In Chicago, they turn on their own. 

Monday marked the 10^th anniversary of the Steve Bartmann fiasco.  Sidebar:  that was ten years ago???  Damn, we’re old.  Anyway, we all remember the scene, but let’s give a quick recap:

Game 6, Cubs v. Marlins.  Cubs are ahead in the series 3-2.  Top of the 8^th, Cubs leading 3-0 and are 5 outs away from going to their first World Series in 58 (now 68) years.  The Wrigley faithful are electric.  This is our year…and then it happens.

https://

Foul ball down the left field line.  Moises Alou jumps into the stands to try and catch the ball amidst a crowd of people, including Bartman (and others).  He doesn’t catch the ball, but instead throws a temper tantrum at Bartman, who (unknowingly) has just become the most hated person in all of Chicago. 

Stay classy, Chicago.

The Marlins score 8 runs in that inning, Cubs lose, and Bartman (for his own safety) gets escorted out of his seat and has to leave Wrigley in a disguise.  Obviously, the Cubs lose Game 7, haven’t been back to the playoffs since, and it’s all because of Steve Motherfucking Bartman.*

Anyone who really believes that Steve Bartman (a lifelong Cubs fan) caused the Cubs to lose is 100% bat shit crazy.  Let’s look at some things that Cubs fans aren’t familiar with:  facts.  First, there’s no way Alou catches that ball.  ESPN can write all

Sorry crazy obsessive Cubs fans, but find someone else to blame.

the compelling documentaries they want, but look at this photo.  Enough said.  Second, this would probably have been a non-issue but for Moises’ childish hissy fit, which really set things in motion.  Third, it was Game 6, there was still an entirely different game to play, at home, in a Bartman-free Wrigley.  Fourth, if you really want to blame someone (aren’t we all looking for someone to blame for our failures?), blame Alex Motherfucking Gonzalez*, who botched an easy (inning ending) double play. 

Yes, there are a ton of reasons why Bartman is not to blame.  However, in the ensuing 10 years, he’s had to live a life of relative obscurity.  Surprisingly, he still lives in Chicago, but hasn’t been back to Wrigley, and refuses to do any interviews or make any public appearances, despite ESPN’s desperate attempts to get him on camera. 

You’d think that people would be able to move on.  Reasonable sports fans would.  But, then again, we’re talking about people who actually believe their team was cursed by a billy goat in 1945.  So, really, when you take that to its logical conclusion, it can’t be Bartman’s fault because it’s Billy Motherfucking Goat’s* fault. 

Well, that should end the curse, right?

In 2004, the owner of Harry Caray’s restaurant purchased the Bartman baseball for just over $113,000.  They asked people for suggestions on what they should do with the ball.  They received over 20,000 suggestions (hello, crazy).  Ultimately, they decided to blow it up in front of a live nationally televised audience.  Stay classy, Chicago.

Hey, Cubbies, listen up:  Let.  It.  Go.  It’s been 10 years and your team sucks.  And it’s not Bartman’s fault.  It never was.  Trying to blame others for your teams failures is a move normally reserved to suburban helicopter parents.  The Cubs, by sitting silent through all this, have assisted in irretrievably screwing up this guy’s life.  If I’m the Cubs, I’d invite Bartman back to throw the first pitch and sing Take Me Out to the Ballgame, and formally apologize on behalf of your (neurotic/sociopathic/manic-depressive/alcoholic) fan base.  However, such a move, according to notable Chicago sports journalists, would be unthinkable. 

Says Michael Wilbon, “What does the organization stand to gain by that?  I’ll tell you:  Nothing.”  The fact that reputable journalists discredit the idea of a Bartman reunion is ridiculous.  The man’s life has been ruined, he’s been in hiding for 10 years and has an entire City (still) blaming him for losing the World Series, excuse me, for losing Game 6 of the NLCS which would have gotten them to the World Series, and they’re concerned with what impact it would have on the Cubbies. 

I don’t care how many “wicked retahdes” or “fugethabboutits” I have to sit through in Fenway or Yankee Stadium, respectively, it’s certainly more enjoyable to know that at least I’ll be surrounded by people who only hate the other team and their fans.

Enjoy your Teabag.

*unconfirmed middle name

NFL’s version of The Biggest Loser.

Since ummm, I don’t know, forever, the NFC East has been the most dominant division in football.  Seriously, for the past 30 years, you’d always have a seat at the table and a legitimate argument.  In the 80’s, the NFC East won 3 Super Bowls (Redskins ’83, ’87, Giants ’86).  The 90’s, a record 5 Super Bowls, including 4 in a row (thanks Buffalo) (Giants ’91, Redskins ’92, Cowboys ’93, ’94, and ‘96).  And so far, in the 21^st Century, the East has claimed two more Super Bowls (Giants ’07, ’12). 

But that winning argument ends today.  Here’s the record of the NFC East after 4 weeks:

Dallas:             2-2

Philadelphia:   1-3

Washington:    1-3

NY Giants:      0-4

No one has a winning record, and combined they’re an embarrassing 4-12.  How bad are things?  Christ, if Cleveland was in the NFC East, they’d be in first place.  So would Buffalo.

This is an unprecedented level of futility.  It’s very possible that the “winner” of the East will not have a winning record.  And, even more interesting, each team is failing for a different reason.  Let’s take a look under the hood of each of these losers.

Sounds about right.

Dallas Cowboys

Despite having the “best” record in the East, Dallas has the biggest problems, because they involve institutional instability (a nice way of saying the organization is run by a bunch of fucktards).  Dallas has trotted out the exact same team for more than a decade.  Flashes of brilliance coupled with an undisciplined approach to playing football.  They suffer from an intolerable Owner (who’s also the GM) who refuses to cede an inch of control.  This leads to spineless head coaches and a room full of “yes men” in Jerryworld. 

As long as Jerry plays Puppetmaster, the Cowboys are doomed (love the blue unitards, btw).

Jerrah’s a young Al Davis, who, after a good period of success, drove the franchise into the ground through his uncompromising ways (and speed first philosophy) until he died at age 120.  Oakland’s still recovering from Hurricane Al.  Dallas is on track to suffer a similar fate from Hurricane Jerrah.

Washington Redskins

Does this knee brace make me look fat?

Washington’s problem is easy enough:  they have completely botched RGIII.  RGIII is the franchise…and you do everything to protect the franchise, even if that means sitting him until he’s 100% healthy.  And you especially sit him when your franchise QB is a dual threat QB and has a bum knee.  Everyone knows RGIII is hurt.  His own teammates know he’s hurt.  And by trotting out a gimpy RGIII, you have taken away the dual threat.  His game is now completely marginalized, and a marginalized RGIII is simply an average QB. 

Shanahan’s ego is too big to make a change.  There’s no way he’s pulling RGIII now, unless of course, he blows out his knee (again).  At 1-3, there’s no reason for him to be out there.  The Skins are only one game out of first place.  They should rest RGIII and put in (a healthy) Kirk Cousins.  By continuing to play RGIII, the Skins run the risk of irretrievably damaging the franchise.

“Hey Mike, any chance you can play D too?”

Philadelphia Eagles

Chip Kelly’s high-octane offense is surely paying dividends:  the Eagles are averaging just under 25 points a game.  The only problem?  No one told him he had to play defense:  the Eagles are giving up just under 35 points a game.

Chip was hailed by the media and fans as this years’ read-option.  He was going to revolutionize the way the game was played.  People drooled over the training camp smoothies (oh he’s so progressive) and the entire City of Brotherly Love got one big, collective hard on when the Eagles racked up over 400 yards and scored 33 points in Chip’s debut. 

But this ain’t the Pac-10.  You can’t just throw on some ugly-ass uniforms and run plays every 20 seconds and expect to win.  You may have been crowned a genius in Week 1, but by Week 2, you were ridiculed for your inability to manage the clock.  Oh, and your defensive philosophy of ambivalence ain’t gonna cut it.

Honeymoon’s over, Chip.  If he figures out that defense is important, plus learns some basic skills in situational football, the Eagles should be ok.  Might we suggest Eagles fans buy Chip this book for Christmas?

We’ve seen a lot of Pouty Eli thus far.

New York Giants

Oh how the mighty have fallen.  There is one thing wrong with the Giants:  everything, everything that is, except Eli (he’s still dreamy).  The O-line?  Old, hurt, and unable to block.  Running Backs?  They brought Brandon Jacobs back (‘nuff said).  D-line?  No pressure.  Linebackers?  Their best one is an undrafted cancer survivor.  The Secondary continues to give receivers (at least) a five yard cushion, even on press.  And the Special Teams?  Well, they continue to be special:

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Screw it, we’ll throw Eli in the mix too.  He’s reverted to Dopey Eli and, while some of his (league-leading) 9 interceptions have been tipped balls, some have been downright awful.

“Hey guys! Remember when I drafted Ahmad Bradshaw in the 7th Round? That was awesome.”

Who’s to blame?  We’re looking right at GM Jerry Reese.  The problem is personnel.  Reese is living off the fumes of his (genius) 2007 draft.  Reese had built this organization to promote from within.  Manningham leaves, that’s fine, we got Cruz.  Osi leaves, we got JPP.  Chris Canty leaves, hello Linval Joseph.  But that doesn’t hold true anymore.  Bradshaw left and David Wilson has not stepped up.  James Brewer has been equally inconsistent on the O-line, and paying Will Beatty $37.5 million now seems like a horrible idea.

Reese has steadfastly refused to place a priority on linebackers, which has led the Giants to fill this position with undrafted players, busts (Aaron Curry), and injury prone veterans (Keith Rivers, Dan Connor). 

The saving grace for the Giants:  as bad as they’ve been, they’re only two games out of first place.

So who’s going to win this division?  Who knows, it’s completely up for grabs.  But I think the better answer is:  who cares?

Enjoy your teabag.

Jacoby’s “about to get hit in the head with a champagne bottle by a stripper” face.

Now that football’s back in full swing, it’s really hard to find a non-football related teabag.  There are a lot of stupid people in the NFL.  Don’t get us wrong:  if The Machine had unlimited amounts of money, power, and fame, we’d do a ton of stupid shit (our life would be somewhere between Jackass and Billy Madison).  Until then, we’re always on the lookout for the biggest and baddest teabags, and while we scour all sports-related issues, we really need go no further than the NFL. 

This week, there were several NFL Teabags to go around.  Honorable Mention Teabags (“HMTs”) go to Von Miller for trying to circumvent the NFL drug testing policy by submitting someone else’s urine.  One small problem: the specimen was submitted from a different City then where Von was…sort of dead giveaway it’s not your pee.  Come on Von, just order one of these.  Also, Aldon Smith of the Niners gets a shout out for his (second) DUI arrest, this on the heels of getting stabbed at his own party and (allegedly) shooting someone at his own party (separate parties, btw).  But Jacoby Jones has them all beat…he may have helped the Ravens win the Super Bowl last year, but he’ll now be remembered for something totally different.

Now, who hasn’t gotten hit over the head with a champagne bottle by a stripper?  Am I right, fellas?  That’s what happened over the weekend to Jacoby Jones, (now) The Machine’s favorite NFL player.  Jacoby was at Bryant McKinnie’s b-day party (yes, that Bryant McKinnie, a/k/a The Machine’s second favorite NFL player) on a limo bus full of strippers, when he was hit in the head with a bottle of champagne by a stripper named Sweet Pea.  There are so many incredible parts to this story, I don’t know where to begin.  Let’s break it down.

1. Mobile Strip Club

Best. Idea. Ever.

You know the most annoying part of going to a strip club is being surrounded by meatheads and drunk 40-something divorcees.  Plus, you have to drive there (gross).  Not anymore.  Now, you can actually motorboat on the highway, and get twerked at a rest stop.  Fucking genius.

2. Bryant McKinnie was involved

You can find Bryant in one of two places: on the field…

The Machine knows two things about Bryant McKinnie:  he plays football and he LOVES strippers.  Bryant was the Captain of the infamous “Loveboat” as a member of the Vikings back in 2005, and you can tell he’s learned a lot from that incident.  The stories from that little shin dig are epic.  But Bryant learned his lesson, and that lesson was:

NFL players + strippers + boat = trouble,

however,

NFL players + strippers + bus = enjoyable Sunday evening.  (Note:  guaranteed this equation was on Bryant’s Intro to Math final at The U). 

or in the club!

Forget Hard Knocks.  The Machine wants McKinnie Cam!  We’d pay top dollar to get an inside look at this dude’s life. 

3. A Stripper Named Sweet Pea

Prior to this weekend, there were three categories of stripper names:  spices, jewels, and cars.  The Machine fondly remembers helping Cinnamon, Sapphire, and Mercedes save for dental school.  But now, The Machine has another category:  flowers.  Flowers are no longer just things your grandma plants or you pee on in the backyard at night.  They’ve been elevated to stripper status.  [cue sleezy stripper DJ Voice]:  “Alright, alright, gentlemen, we got 2 for 1 well drinks goin’ on all night, but right now, put your hands together for Sweet Pea and Rhododendron!”

4. Ace of Spades

Comes in two sizes: Regular and Scourned Stripper.

What really completes this story is Jacoby getting beaned upside the head with a bottle of champagne.  And not just any bottle of champagne…we’re talking about the Ace of Spades, which (if you’re not familiar) comes in a big ass bottle.  Lord knows where that bottle was prior to it being used as a baseball bat. 

This is a plea to all public address announcers at NFL stadiums:  Please, please please, when Jacoby is being introduced, or makes a catch.  Shit, whenever you see him on the sidelines, play this song:

It doesn’t matter if Jacoby wins another Super Bowl or cures cancer, he’s always going to be that guy who got lit up by a stripper.  You’d like to think there’s a lesson to be learned from this, but we’re guessing it’s serve champagne in plastic bottles.  The Machine has definitely learned something:  we’re inviting Bryant McKinnie to everything, including our kids’ birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, and of course The Draft Party. 

Enjoy your teabag.

In this week’s Tuesday Teabag, The Machine analyzes the 8 teams that are 0-2 and tells you whether they have a shot (i.e. there’s still hope) or not (fuhgettaboutit).  I’m sure you heard the stat, but since 1990 only 8% of the teams that made the playoffs (22 out of 276) started out 0-2.  #numbersdontlie #hashtagsinpostsdonothing.  If that holds true, only one of these teams will make the playoffs.  Who has the best odds of being that team?  Let’s break it down and lay some odds horse track-style.

New York Giants, 3:2

I’d like to think I’m being objective, and not a complete homer (if Roid Rage can love the hoodie, I can objectively analyze the G-Men) but, out of all the 0-2 teams, the Giants have the best shot to turn this around.  That’s not saying much…it makes them the skinniest kid a Fat Camp, but let’s look at how they got there. 

We’ve seen a lot of Pouty Eli thus far.

They have absolutely no running game.  David Wilson has gone Full Tiki (circa 2003).  This forces Eli to press, which in turn results in interceptions (seriously is there another team that throws more tipped ints than the Giants?) which in turn results in Pouty Eli.  On the other side of the ball, their defense is equally atrocious (Perry Fewell, you’re on notice).  You only need to know this one stat to understand why the Giants are 0-2:  in two games, they have fewer rushing yards (73) than points allowed (77).  And, just for shits and giggles, they also lead the league in turnovers (10).

So why, then (other than because I’m a homer) do the G-Men have a shot?  First, the Giants have history on their side.  In 2007, when they won the Super Bowl (18-1 bitches), they started out 0-2.  Their MO is to start out slow, catch fire, and then limp to the end of the season, hovering somewhere in the 9 to 10 win range.  And 9 or 10 wins is all it will take to win the NFC East this year.  And even in that 6 turnover opening game, the Giants still had the ball at midfield with 2:00 minutes left and a chance to win.  Pouty Eli usually turns into Elite Eli in those situations.  Despite all their problems, the Giants are a tipped pick away from being 1-1. 

If Coughlin can solve David Wilson’s fumbleitis, the offense will balance itself out right around the time the defense starts to click, and that, coupled with a mediocre NFC East, will make the Giants legitimate playoff contenders. 

Minnesota Vikings, 5:4

All AP needs is a Top 20 QB

Christian Ponder apologists have been blaming the organization for not surrounding him with enough talent to succeed (do you really need more than AP?).  So, in the offseason the Vikings picked up Greg Jennings, and drafted Cordarrelle Patterson in the first round.  Those two guys, plus AP and promising TE Kyle Rudolph, give Ponder plenty of weapons at his disposal.

The verdict:  Ponder’s not good.  He’s 23^rd in Yards Passing (behind Brandon Weeden and Geno Smith), 2^nd in Interceptions, and 26^th in Completion Percentage (58.6%). 

Gratuitous shot of cheerleaders.

However, consistent quarterback play is the only thing holding this team back.  Their defense is good, and they lost at Chicago by one point on a last second TD.  If Ponder can play just a little better (like Top 15-20), that will keep defenses honest and open up more lanes for AP to run wild.

Washington Redskins – 6:1

Does this knee brace make me look fat?

What a difference a season makes.  RGIII has gone from franchise savior to backup, as people are calling for Kirk Cousins to start.  RGIII (and the Skins) insist he didn’t rush back from his knee surgery too soon, but he certainly looks like a different QB so far.  Not only does he look a step slower when he gets outside of the pocket, but there’s less “zip” on the ball.  Both problems are likely the result of a knee that’s not 100%, as he’s not able to run as fast or put as much pressure on his legs when throwing. 

If he’s not 100%, the Skins should shut him down until he is.  A one-dimensional RGIII is simply an average QB, plus he runs the risk of doing further damage to his knee (he still is the future of the franchise, btw).  Start Cousins and give RGIII the time he needs to properly recover, and the Redskins should be alright.  The problem is Shanahan is such an egomaniac that to put Cousins in will be to admit that he was wrong, and he’s never wrong.

Washington’s saving grace, like the Giants, is their division.  The NFC East was a solid 0-4 this past Sunday, and for the season a stellar 2-6.  No one is going to run away with the division this year. 

Tampa Bay Bucs, 12:1

No more smile fest in Tampa.

Who had September 17 on their “When Will Revis Complain Pool”?  We told you this was a bad move (seriously Tampa, please start reading our Teabags).  Revis will never, and can never, be happy.  Even worse than being not happy, he’s divisive.  We’re two weeks into the season and Schiano has already lost the locker room.  The whole Josh Freeman voting scandal, coupled with him missing the team photo speaks volumes, so does the rumor that he wants out.

Everyone knew Schiano was a no-nonsense Coach.  They wanted a change from the player-friendly Raheem Morris era.  It’s amazing how losing paints him as too strict, and winning paints him as bringing “much needed focus.” 

The sad thing is the Bucs have good, young talent, and a much improved defense.  However, as long as the QB/Coach relationship is strained, this team will go nowhere.  And good luck with the Revis holdout next year.  Suckers.

Pittsburgh Steelers, 20:1

This is Ben when he has time to throw.

Historically the perennial powerhouse in the AFC North, the Steelers suddenly got bad overnight.  Injuries on the O-line and a horrible running game is not a good combination.  Also, there is no one that holds on to the ball longer than Big Ben…probably why he leads the league in getting sacked. 

Getting back Heath Miller will help, but it won’t be enough to overcome the loss of Maurkice Pouncey.  Likewise, on defense, losing Larry Foote for the year is also fatal.

Sorry Steelers fans, but your team is old, slow, and injured.  Welcome to rebuilding mode.

Jesus, even the mascot’s dejected. Poor kitty.

Carolina Panthers, 25:1

For some reason, the Panthers, unlike the Vikings, have refused to provide a supporting cast for Cam Newton.  Steve Smith is approaching 80, and the supporting WR cast consists of the following:  Ted Ginn, Brandon LaFell, Domenik Hixon, RJ Webb, Armanti Edwards, and Kealoha Pilares.  These guys would have trouble starting in the CFL, and that’s just one example of questionable roster decisions by this team.

Why have 3 QBs, 2 FBs, and 4 TEs?  And why is one of those QBs Jimmy Clausen?  That’s a lot of roster space that could be used to bring in a legit WR2.  Fortunately, Cam has enough talent to keep them relevant.  Unfortunately, they face a pissed off Giants team this Sunday, and are looking at going 0-3, which will likely seal the deal for the Panthers.

Cleveland Browns, 1,000,000,000:1

Actual Browns helmut.

Sorry, Cleveland.  If Baltimore winning the Super Bowl and LeBron winning (another) NBA Championship wasn’t enough to rip your hearts out, your Cleveland Browns will come in and finish the job.  Good luck with Johnny Football next year.  His maturity level definitely screams “NFL Ready!”

Jacksonville Jaguars – Glue Factory

Plenty of good seats still available.

What’s more pathetic than holding a Tim Tebow rally?  Having 15 people show up for a Tim Tebow rally.  There’s no chance in Hell (sorry, H-E-double hockey sticks –for Tebow) the Jags are going to resemble anything close to competitive this year.  Blaine Gabbert being injured is actually a good thing.  MJD going down is not. 

Jacksonville’s streak of 5 consecutive Top 10 first round picks is firmly in check. 

Forget Tebow, not even JC himself can help this team.

Enjoy your teabag.

OMFG, The Machine has just recovered from an epic Week 1.  So many great games and storylines.  Chip Kelly’s high-octane offense was a success (for now), AP takes his first run to the house, the Bills remind us that, even with a new coach and QB, they didn’t forget how to lose at the last second, and Peyton Manning reminds us all that he’s still a boss.

Likewise, there was an abundance of teabags to go around.  They say football is the ultimate team sport (we’d argue beerpong too) but there are times when one individual can completely screw it up for everyone.  Here’s a look at 3 players who made horrible decisions on the field, and cost their teams greatly.  We’ll go in order of least offensive to most egregious.

Clay Mathews, LB – Green Bay 

Juuuust a bit outside.

There was so much hype and drama leading up to this game, you knew someone was going to do something stupid (and costly).  Clay was one of the biggest pre-game talkers, going on and on about wanting to hurt C-Kap and make up for that playoff beat down.  Well, he made up for it alright.

With the game tied at 7-7, 3^rd and 10 at the Green Bay 10 yard line, C-Kap scrambles and is clearly on his way out-of-bounds, short of a first down…until Johnny Meathead dives at Colin, wraps an arm around his neck, and takes him down, all of which occurred out-of-bounds.  Clay then gets in a kerfuffle with Joe Staley (more on that in a bit) and they both get off-setting personal fouls.  They replay the down.  This time, C-Kaps throws a dart to Anquan Boldin for a touchdown, putting the Niners up 14-7, instead of 10-7.    

When is hitting someone with a helmet on ever a good idea?  Afterwards, perpetually-pissed off Coach Jim Harbaugh added more fuel to the fire, saying “I think [Clay] works very hard on being a tough guy.  He’ll have some repairing to do to his image after the slap.”  Come on Jim, you’re the coach, you have to act like a parent (not their friend) and let your players to the talking.  Speaking of which, C-Kap chimed in with “If intimidation is your game plan, I hope you have a better one.”  Now that’s more like it. 

If for nothing else, those extra 4 points helped San Fran cover the spread (thanks, dick).

Ray Maualuga, LB – Cincinnati

Tough guy stare + headband = super badass

Ray’s used to making bad decisions off the field, but this time he brought that same level of poor judgment and life skills on the field. 

With Cincy down 3 late in the game, the Bengals D comes up with a big stop on third down.  Chicago would be forced to punt and give Cincy a chance to win (or tie) the game…except Ray steps in and gets a personal foul for fighting after the play.  First down Chicago, Cutler takes a knee to end the game. 

Sure, it’s no guarantee that Cincy would score if it got the ball back, but at least they’d have a chance.  Unfortunately, Ray’s reckless temper cost them that chance.

Lavonte David, LB – Tampa Bay

What? Did I do something wrong? Didn’t think so.

Now we get to the crème de la crème of idiotic linebackers.  Tampa was on its way to eking out a 2 point victory in New York, after Rian Lindell nailed a 37 yard field goal with 34 seconds left to go up 15-17.  All the Bucs needed to do was kick off, play some prevent D, and not do anything stupid.  This time, 2 out of 3 is bad.

On the Jets ensuing drive, Geno Smith (the only undefeated QB in NY) was running out-of-bounds (with 7 seconds left) when Lavonte hits him and gets flagged for a personal foul.  Had Lavonte not hit him, there would’ve been 7 seconds left, Jets with the ball at the 45, and they’d be forced to throw a hail mary.  Instead, Jets get the ball at the 30, and Nick Folk drills a 47 yarder.  Game over.  Don’t believe me, here’s the video proof:

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Lavonte’s hit made absolutely no sense.  Geno was running out-of-bounds, there was no need to even touch him.  And make no mistake:  this cost them the game.  But for this penalty, the Jets are not in field goal range.  Universally, (outside of the Bucs organization) it was regarded as a bone-headed play, reminiscent of Cleveland’s Dwayne Rudd back in 2002 when he prematurely took his helmet off to celebrate (also during Week 1*).  You’d think Lavonte would act like a man, take the heat, and accept the blame for his unquestionably dumb decision.  A simple “I let my emotions get the best of me and it won’t happen again” is all it takes.  However, Lavonte decided to go another route, which is the (surprising) “I didn’t do anything wrong route”.  Seriously.  In an interview with the Tampa Bay Times, David said the following:

“That’s the way our defense is, we just play aggressive, we just play physical.  You’re going to get those calls and you may feel like that’s not the right call but you can’t do anything about it. You can’t let it change the way you play the game.”

Where do I begin?  Actually, jackass, there is something you can do about it.  Don’t hit players out-of-bounds, and don’t commit penalties that cost your team the game.  You can play aggressive defense without committing dumb penalties (see 49ers, San Francisco).  Absolving yourself by saying you were playing physical shows that you just don’t get it, and probably never will.

Enjoy your teabags.

*stat courtesy of our Useless Stats Dept.