Week 4 Picks ATS

WEEK 4
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM WASHINGTON 3.5 nyg
Sunday 1 PM Green Bay 1.5 CHICAGO
Sunday 1 PM HOUSTON 3 Buffalo
Sunday 1 PM INDIANAPOLIS 7.5 Tennessee
Sunday 1 PM BALTIMORE 3 Carolina
Sunday 1 PM Detroit 1.5 NYJ
Sunday 1 PM PITTSBURGH 7.5 Tampa Bay
Sunday 1 PM Miami 4 OAKLAND
Sunday 4:05 PM SAN DIEGO 13 Jacksonville
Sunday 4:25 PM Atlanta 2.5 MINNESOTA
Sunday 4:25 PM SAN FRANCISCO 5.5 Philadelphia
Sunday 8:30 PM New Orleans 3 DALLAS
Monday 8:30 PM New England 3.5 KANSAS CITY
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week 7-9 12-4 9-7 9-7 10-6
YTD 26-22 28-20 23-25 22-26 23-25
WASHINGTON nyg nyg nyg WASHINGTON
CHICAGO CHICAGO CHICAGO Green Bay Green Bay
HOUSTON HOUSTON HOUSTON Buffalo HOUSTON
INDIANAPOLIS INDIANAPOLIS INDIANAPOLIS INDIANAPOLIS INDIANAPOLIS
Carolina Carolina BALTIMORE BALTIMORE Carolina
Detroit Detroit Detroit Detroit NYJ
Tampa Bay PITTSBURGH PITTSBURGH PITTSBURGH PITTSBURGH
OAKLAND OAKLAND Miami OAKLAND OAKLAND
Jacksonville Jacksonville SAN DIEGO SAN DIEGO SAN DIEGO
Atlanta Atlanta MINNESOTA Atlanta Atlanta
Philadelphia Philadelphia Philadelphia SAN FRANCISCO SAN FRANCISCO
New Orleans New Orleans New Orleans New Orleans DALLAS
New England New England KANSAS CITY KANSAS CITY KANSAS CITY
LOCK NO  INDY BALT  PITT INDY
Lock Wins 1 1 2 1 0
Gratuitous shot of cheerleaders.

Gratuitous shot of cheerleaders.

GINGER KING vs ROIDRAGE

The Big Red Sports Machine founders squared off last week and the results were shockingly similar (and as satisfying I might add) to National Kick-A-Ginger Day!

See for yourself:

ROIDRAGE                                       GINGERKING

Beatdown City!

Here’s a crazy idea: Start Blake Bortles!

The great thing about fantasy football is that in the short time span of just three weeks your best laid plans can get totally fucked!  Like having to start a rookie quarterback, making his first ever start, on the road against a perennial playoff contender fucked.  Pardon my french.

With stud Russell Wilson on bye, and not wasting a second roster spot on a back up quarterback, I’m rolling with Mr. Bortles this week.  It sounds crazy, but this what the No. 3 overall pick has going for him:

  • In relief of the dreadfully inefficient (and that’s the nice way of putting it) Chad Henne, Bortles went 14/24, 223 yards, 2 TD, 2 Int.  Impressive numbers for a half of football; granted it was against soft coverage schemes from Indy’s defense (they aren’t exactly world-beaters).  But what I like the most is the 2 rushes for 30 yards.  The rushing totals help eliminate the mistakes and give him a reasonable secure scoring floor.
  • Bortles showed well in training camp, the preseason, and practices this year.  By all accounts he’s outpracticed Henne (doens’t that go without saying) however the Jaguars were so gun-shy to start a rookie QB (we call that the Blaine Gabbert effect) that they all but committed to “red-shirting” Bortles this year.  Remember what I said three weeks of football could do to your fantasy team?  Yeah, now just multiply that but $100 million, add in media scrutiny, a fan base to contend with, an owner that can shitcan you whenever he wants and you get a sense of the pressure that forced the Jags hand to play Bortles this week.  No pressure kid.
Not Blaine Gabbert...trust me!

Not Blaine Gabbert…trust me!

  • In deeper leagues, Bortles (17% owned) offers more upside than the likes of Joe Flacco (38%), Josh McCown (16% – who appears to have lost his job to Glennon), Ryan Fitzpatrick (15%), Geno Smith (13%) and fellow rookies Teddy Bridgewater (12%) and Derek Carr (7%).

My one reservation in starting Bortles is San Diego’s, ball-control, clock-chewing offense which ranks second in the league (while the Jags rank….dead last.  What’s new!).  Regardless, Bortles will have opportunities, and I think (fingers crossed) he comes through.  If Bortles football game is anything like his mack-daddy game, then hell, we’ve got nothing to worry about………….

Good Knight!

Good Knight!

 This might be so crazy that it actually works! Only one way to find out…

Week 4 Picks ATS….TNF Edition

       
WEEK 4
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM WASHINGTON 3.5 nyg
THE PICKS
  Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week 7-9 12-4 9-7 9-7 10-6
YTD 26-22 28-20 23-25 22-26 23-25
  WASHINGTON nyg nyg nyg WASHINGTON
"This teabagger"

“That teabagger”

Week 3 – Fantasy Waiver Wire Pickups

Alright Machine loyalists, if you paid attention to us last week, you probably won.  Matt Asiata, Larry Donnell, and Jake Locker all turned in stellar performances.  So here’s your hookup for this weeks’ games.  Note, Knile Davis is obviously the pickup of the week, but he’s already owned in over 75% of leagues.  The Machine’s here to give you the under-the-radar guys that will put you over the top.

Kirk Cousins, QB, Washington (44%)

RGIII's pain is Kirk's gain.

RGIII’s pain is Kirk’s gain.

If you’re an RGIII owner and didn’t take our advice to grab Jake Locker, then take our advice and pick up Cousins.  Kirk, who some people think is better suited for Jay Gruden’s offense, showed that he can carry the Redskins.  Granted, he played against the Jaguars last week, but the numbers don’t lie:  22/250/2 and 0 ints.  Kirk chucked it 33 times last week, and we like his chances to have 30+ attempts again.  With RGIII out an indeterminate amount of time and some favorable matchups in the next few weeks, Kirk could slide in nicely for you and keep your team afloat.

Jared Cook, TE, St. Louis (17%)

Great matchup today.

Great matchup today.

It’s boom or bust in the TE market.  You either have Jimmy, Gronk, or Julius, or you have a revolving door of uncertainty.  It’s totally boom or bust, just ask Antonio Gates and Jason Witten owners.  But The Machine’s trying to add some clarity to the murky TE world, and we like Cook’s matchup against Dallas.  He’s a solid TE2, and should reach double digits in points.  As the Rams primary red zone option, he has a chance to sneak a touchdown in as well.

Justin Forsett, RB, Baltimore (47%)

We like Justin's chances to score against Cleveland.

We like Justin’s chances to score against Cleveland.

We’re surprised Justin’s available in more than half of Yahoo! leagues.  Sure, he’s splitting carries with Bernard Pierce, but very few teams don’t have a running back by committee.  With Baltimore though, there’s no clear cut favorite, which means that Justin and Bernard should each receive double digit touches week in and week out.  Forsett should have plenty of opportunity against Cleveland.  He’s a low end RB2 and is at least worth a spot on your bench.

Umm...yes.

When setting your lineup, make sure to…whatever, just enjoy.

WEEK 3 Picks ATS

WEEK 3
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM ATLANTA 6.5 Tampa Bay
Sunday 1 PM BUFFALO 2.5 San Diego
Sunday 1 PM Dallas 1.5 ST. LOUIS
Sunday 1 PM PHILADELPHIA 6.5 Washington
Sunday 1 PM Houston 2.5 NYG
Sunday 1 PM NEW ORLEANS 9.5 Minnesota
Sunday 1 PM CINCINNATI 6.5 Tennessee
Sunday 1 PM Baltimore 1 CLEVELAND
Sunday 1 PM DETROIT 1 Green Bay
Sunday 1:00 PM Indianapolis 7 JACKSONVILLE
Sunday 4:05 PM NEW ENGLAND 14 Oakland
Sunday 4:05 PM San Francisco 2.5 ARIZONA
Sunday 4:25 PM SEATTLE 5 Denver
Sunday 4:25 PM MIAMI 4 Kansas City
Sunday 8:30 PM CAROLINA 3 Pittsburgh
Monday 8:30 PM NYJ 2.5 Chicago
THE PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
Last Week 12-4 6-10 8-8 6-10 4-12
YTD 19-13 16-16 14-18 13-19 13-19
Tampa Bay ATLANTA ATLANTA Tampa Bay ATLANTA
BUFFALO San Diego San Diego BUFFALO BUFFALO
ST. LOUIS Dallas Dallas ST. LOUIS Dallas
Washington Washington PHILADELPHIA Washington PHILADELPHIA
NYG NYG NYG NYG NYG
NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS Minnesota NEW ORLEANS NEW ORLEANS
CINCINNATI CINCINNATI CINCINNATI CINCINNATI CINCINNATI
Baltimore Baltimore Baltimore CLEVELAND Baltimore
Green Bay Green Bay DETROIT DETROIT DETROIT
Indianapolis Indianapolis JACKSONVILLE Indianapolis Indianapolis
NEW ENGLAND NEW ENGLAND Oakland Oakland NEW ENGLAND
San Francisco ARIZONA San Francisco San Francisco ARIZONA
Denver Denver Denver SEATTLE Denver
MIAMI Kansas City MIAMI Kansas City MIAMI
CAROLINA CAROLINA CAROLINA CAROLINA CAROLINA
Chicago Chicago Chicago NYJ Chicago
LOCK Carolina NYG  Baltimore Carolina Denver
Lock Wins 1 0 1 1 0
These franchises have never been the same...

The day it all changed…

Tuesday Teabag, September 16, 2014 – Derek Jeter

I'm so pretty.  Worship me.

I’m so pretty. Worship me.

There certainly are a lot of teabags to dole out.  From Ray Rice, to Roger Goodell (does anyone really believe the NFL didn’t have that video?) to Adrian Peterson.  But domestic violence and child abuse are a bit much for us.  Our comfort zone consists primarily of making fun of Tony Romo, cat gifs, and Kate Upton nip slips.

Cat gif 1

Cat gif 2

So instead, we’ll focus on something that’s been bothering us all year.  And now we’ve finally had enough.

Derek Sanderson Jeter.  You may have heard that he’s retiring this year.  And by “may have heard”, I mean it’s a constant parade of immortalization.  Puh-lease.  Look, we get it.  He’s a great player and certainly deserves recognition for his contribution to the game.  We’re ok with the Yankees having Derek Jeter Day, Derek Jeter Week, or Derek Jeter Month.  But for Christ sake, enough already.  It’s absurd that opposing teams are honoring Jeter.  In fact, here are some of the gifts he’s received from other teams (full list is here):

Surf's up, brah.

Surf’s up, brah.

You'll be shot on site if you actually wear these in Texas.

You’ll be shot on site if you actually wear these in Texas.

Awkward.

Awkward.

This looks comfy.

This looks comfy.

We’re hoping some team gives him a storage unit to put all this useless shit in.  Seriously, a fucking bat bench???  He can relax in that after paddle boarding in his cowboy boots.  Why are these teams complicit in the Jeter rub-and-tug fest?  We’re guessing it has something to do with ticket sales.  How else are you going to sell out an Indians game unless you promote it as Jeter’s last game in Cleveland?

More to the point, we’re annoyed that Jeter has somehow turned into the greatest baseball players of all-time.  In order to receive the city-by-city award show, you better be the Michael-fucking-Jordan of your sport.  And sorry Yankee fans, but he’s not.  He’s not even close when considering all players…coming in 33rd on ESPN’s Top 100 players of all time.  Shit, he’s not even the best player on his team…A-Rod’s 19th.  He’s a little better when considering just shortstops, but still not the greatest.  Take a look:

Jeter Stats

Jeter leads all shortstops in hits, runs, and strikeouts, and he’s anywhere from 3rd to 46th in other categories.  Sorry, but that doesn’t get you the ego-stroking, masturbatory nationwide celebration.  His stats (and World Series victories) will get him into the Hall of Fame and Yankee Monument Park no doubt, but he’s not the greatest shortstop of all-time.

But Ginger King, you say, you were totally cool with the over-the-top celebrations for Mariano Rivera last year…why the change of heart, Mr. Grinch?  It’s true:  our heart gets smaller every year (the 12 pack…err…7 pack of Coors Light Mrs. Machine received for Christmas is proof) but that’s not why.  The reason The Machine has no problem with the Mariano Rivera world tour is simple:  who’s the greatest closer of all-time?  Answer:  Mariano Rivera.  Bar none.  You cannot say the same thing about Derek Jeter.

Proof positive of that is that the Captain –statistically speaking—is having one of the worst seasons in his career.  He’s at career lows in several categories, including runs, hits, RBI, and stolen bases.  Not exactly what you want for a guy hitting second in the lineup.  And the kicker is that the Yankees are still in the playoff hunt.  They’re only 5 games out of the wildcard with 2 weeks left to play.  Normally, when your star player is in a career slump, the manager will move them down in the lineup, to put the team in the best position to win and to (hopefully) get him out of the slump.  Seems like a no-brainer…but not Jeter, because, as noted by the Daily News, moving him in the lineup “could embarrass the star.”  Jeter should take it upon himself to tell Girardi to move him down.  That’s what real Captains do.  They put the team ahead of themselves.  But then the Jeter star wouldn’t shine so bright.

But please, let’s not feel sorry for Derek.  He’s going from playing baseball, being a multi-millionaire and banging supermodels…to being a multi-millionaire and banging supermodels.  Oh yeah, and living in this house.

Yeah, retirement's going to suck.

Yeah, retirement’s going to suck.

Forgive me if I don’t get all choked up.

Enjoy your teabag.

Week 2 – Fantasy Waiver Wire Pickups

Finally, football is back.  That awful taste that was the World Cup is now completely out of your mouth, baseball is mildly entertaining as they’re getting close to almost playing games that count.  But now you’re back in the driver’s seat, and can focus 100% attention on what really matters:  family fantasy football.  And who better to help you win than the Big Red Sports Machine.

You know the drill.  Come here each week to find our waiver wire pickups.  Whether you won last week or lost and are freaking out over your lineup, we got your back

Matt Asiata, RB Minnesota (% owned in Yahoo! leagues, 21%)

Please don't ruin my season.

Please save my season.

If AP is on your team, stop reading this right now and pick up Matt Asiata.  Seriously, DO IT NOW.  Who is Matt Asiata?  Up until around Friday at 6:00 pm, he was an NFL nobody…a third year back out of Utah with 3 career touchdowns.  That is all about to change.

Apparently the last book AP read was “How to raise your child in the 1950’s.”  He picked the wrong week to have this story burst, as the NFL is a tad sensitive to off-the-field violence related issues.

Anyway, AP’s pain is Asiata’s gain, who now becomes the #1 running option for a team that is very run dependent.  The Vikings also face New England this week, and the Patriots have (putting it nicely) a run friendly defense, giving up 134 yards to Knowshon Moreno last week.

He’s available in 79% of Yahoo leagues right now.  That’s going to change by the minute, and come Sunday, he’ll be owned in 79% of leagues.  With AP being out for an indeterminate amount of time, this could be a season-saving move, especially for AP owners.

How serious of a must is this?  Well, The Machine was at a kids’ b-day party when this story broke, and instantly snapped up Asiata in all three of our leagues.  He instantly becomes a low-end RB2, and would start over names like CJ 750, Doug Martin, and Danny Woodhead.

Larry Donnell, TE, Giants (17%)

Your 2014 no-name Giants TE.

Your 2014 no-name Giants TE.

Yes yes, we know, the Giants, despite having a new offensive coordinator and completely revamped offense, picked up right where they left off.  Eli threw 2 picks, and the offensive line still sucks.  But one person stood out from the rest, and it wasn’t the JPP of Tight Ends.

No, it was Larry Donnell, the lone bright spot on the Giants offense, who ended last week with a respectable 5/56/1.  Donnell also had the most targets (8) out of any Giants receiver.  For now, Donnell’s a TE2, but the Giants have been known to take no name Tight Ends and turn them into solid players (see Boss, Kevin).  With the O-line still in flux, Eli will be forced to check down more often.  That bodes well for Larry.

Get him now while he’s still available in over 80% of leagues.

Allen Hurns, WR, Jacksonville (55%)

Henne to Hurns...just rolls off your tongue!

Henne to Hurns…just rolls off your tongue!

Allen was the star of Week 1, torching the Eagles secondary to haul in 4/110/2.  For those of us that have no life pay attention to the preseason, you know that Allen is picking up where he left off.  An UDFA from the U, Hurns is now starting alongside fellow rookie Marquise Lee.

With Cecil Shorts injured, Hurns has the opportunity to become the #1 WR for the Jags.  Yes, that’s like the skinniest kid at Fat Camp, but it could mean some consistent production from a very unlikely source.  Hurns has an attractive match-up against Washington this week, and, if you’re thin at receiver, is worth a look as a WR3/Flex.

Jake Locker, QB, Tennessee (31%)

When healthy, offers QB1 potential.

When healthy, offers QB1 potential.

If you’re an RGIII or Tony Romo owner, or perhaps you need a solid backup because you don’t totally trust Cam Newton’s ribs, give Jake the Snake a look.  Jake looked really good last week, winning on the road at Arrowhead in commanding fashion.  His numbers were solid, 22/246/2 and 0 ints, and he also ran for 14 yards.

Jake plays at home this week against Dallas and their wretched defense.  We like the Snake’s chances of posting similar numbers and yes, we’re going to call a rushing touchdown.

Fantasy sports are hot!

Fantasy sports are hot!

Week 2 Picks ATS

WEEK 2
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM BALTIMORE 2.5 Pittsburgh
Sunday 1 PM WASHINGTON 6 Jacksonville
Sunday 1 PM TENNESSEE 3.5 Dallas
Sunday 1 PM Arizona 2.5 NYG
Sunday 1 PM New England 3 MINNESOTA
Sunday 1 PM New Orleans 6.5 CLEVELAND
Sunday 1 PM CINCINNATI 5 Atlanta
Sunday 1 PM CAROLINA 2.5 Detroit
Sunday 1 PM BUFFALO Even Miami
Sunday 4:05 PM TAMPA BAY 6 St. Louis
Sunday 4:05 PM Seattle 6 SAN DIEGO
Sunday 4:25 PM Houston 3 OAKLAND
Sunday 4:25 PM GREEN BAY 9 nyj
Sunday 4:25 PM DENVER 11.5 Kansas City
Sunday 8:30 PM SAN FRANCISCO 7 Chicago
Monday 8:30 PM INDIANAPOLIS 3 Philadelphia
THE PICKS
RR
GK Dr. M Big D Vegas Vinny
Last Week 7-9 10-6 6-10 7-9 9-7
YTD 7-9 10-6 6-10 7-9 9-7
BALTIMORE Pittsburgh BALTIMORE BALTIMORE Pittsburgh
Jacksonville  WASHINGTON  WASHINGTON Jacksonville WASHINGTON
Dallas  Dallas  TENNESSEE Dallas Dallas
Arizona  NYG  Arizona NYG NYG
New England  New England  New England New England MINNESOTA
CLEVELAND  New Orleans  New Orleans CLEVELAND New Orleans
CINCINNATI  Atlanta  Atlanta Atlanta CINCINNATI
Detroit  Detroit  Detroit Detroit Detroit
BUFFALO  BUFFALO  BUFFALO Miami Miami
TAMPA BAY  TAMPA BAY  TAMPA BAY TAMPA BAY TAMPA BAY
SAN DIEGO  SAN DIEGO  Seattle Seattle Seattle
Houston  OAKLAND  Houston OAKLAND Houston
Jets  Jets  Jets Jets GREEN BAY
Kansas City  DENVER  Kansas City DENVER DENVER
SAN FRANCISCO  SAN FRANCISCO  SAN FRANCISCO Chicago SAN FRANCISCO
Philadelphia  INDIANAPOLIS  INDIANAPOLIS INDIANAPOLIS INDIANAPOLIS
LOCK Philly  Atlanta  New England Chicago  Detroit
Lock Wins 0 0 0 0 0
How 'bout dem Cowboys!

How ’bout dem Cowboys!

Week 1 Picks Against Humanity (The Spread)

Buckle up for another exciting year of professional handicapping action brought to you by the finest collection of degenerates we could find!  Ginger King is the reigning champ, putting on a furious late-season rally to overtake Dr. Mike.  This year we’ve added another “Joe” (Big Daddy) to the rotation to help tilt the balance of power against Rage and Ginger (aka, the BRSM Pro’s).  Will it help?….we doubt it, but only one way to find out:

WEEK 1
THE GAMES (Home team in CAPS)
Date & Time Favorite Spread Underdog
Thurs 8:30 PM SEATTLE 5.5 Green Bay
Sunday 1 PM New England 4.5 MIAMI
Sunday 1 PM PITTSBURGH 6.5 Cleveland
Sunday 1 PM New Orleans 3 ATLANTA
Sunday 1 PM KANSAS CITY 4 Tennessee
Sunday 1 PM BALTIMORE 1.5 Cincinnati
Sunday 1 PM NYJ 5.5 Oakland
Sunday 1 PM ST. LOUIS 4 Minnesota
Sunday 1 PM PHILADELPHIA 10 Jacksonville
Sunday 1 PM CHICAGO 7 Buffalo
Sunday 1 PM HOUSTON 2.5 Washington
Sunday 4:25 PM TAMPA BAY 1.5 Carolina
Sunday 4:25 PM San Francisco 4.5 DALLAS
Sunday 8:30 PM DENVER 7.5 Indianapolis
Monday 7:10 PM DETROIT 5 Giants
Monday 10:20 PM ARIZONA 3 San Diego
THE (EXPERT) PICKS
Roid Rage Ginger King Dr. Mike Big Daddy Vegas Vinny
W L T W L T W L T W L T W L T
Last Year 131 117 8 135 113 8 132 116 8 0 0 0 121 127 8
Season to-date 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Green Bay Green Bay Green Bay SEATTLE Green Bay
New England MIAMI New England New England New England
Cleveland PITTSBURGH PITTSBURGH PITTSBURGH PITTSBURGH
ATLANTA ATLANTA New Orleans ATLANTA ATLANTA
KANSAS CITY KANSAS CITY Tennessee KANSAS CITY KANSAS CITY
BALTIMORE Cincinnati BALTIMORE Cincinnati Cincinnati
NYJ Oakland NYJ NYJ NYJ
Minnesota Minnesota Minnesota ST. LOUIS Minnesota
Jacksonville PHILADELPHIA Jacksonville PHILADELPHIA PHILADELPHIA
Buffalo CHICAGO CHICAGO Buffalo Buffalo
Washington HOUSTON Washington Washington Washington
TAMPA BAY Carolina Carolina TAMPA BAY TAMPA BAY
San Francisco San Francisco San Francisco DALLAS San Francisco
DENVER DENVER Indianapolis DENVER Indianapolis
DETROIT Giants Giants DETROIT DETROIT
San Diego San Diego San Diego San Diego San Diego
LOCK: NYJ KC New England DENVER  NYJ
We've got you COVERED!

We’ve got you COVERED!