Tuesday Teabag, February 18, 2014 – The Sochi Olympics

Sochi Olympic RingsWe’re midway through the Sochi Olympics, and boy, are there a lot of teabags to dole out.  As many as are being delivered in the Olympic Village?  Probably not, but there’s enough…from the shoddy accommodations to the creepy mascot, to spring-like conditions.  Here are some other teabagable moments from the Games.

Ice Dancing

The Foxtrot is still lame, even on ice.

The Foxtrot is still lame, even on ice.

Seriously, what the fuck is this?  The Machine can get down with some pairs figure skating, and the individual programs, but ice dancing?  Why is this an Olympic sport?  Is it really necessary?  Side note:  it’s been an Olympic sport since 1976.  Really?  Why?  To help answer this, The Machine was able to get ahold of the transcript from the recent IOC Meeting discussing its inclusion in the Sochi Games.

[IOC Chair]:  Ok, gang listen up.  We got a serious problem.  It’s with the figure skating competition.  It’s too manly.  We need to gay it up.  Suggestions?

[IOC Member, likely from France]:  How about Ice Dancing?  Let’s really focus on that this year.

[Russian Delegate]:  Does it involve the gays?

[Everyone]:  (Snicker, snicker, cough, cough) No (wink).

[IOC Chair]:  Sounds promising, but is it gay enough?  Tell me more.

[French Delegate]:  There are no jumps, just artistic skating.

[IOC Chair]:  Yes…

[British Delegate]:  To show tunes.

[IOC Chair]:  Go on…

[Canadian Delegate]:  And instead of spins, we call them twizzles.

[IOC Chair]:  Perfect!

[USA Delegate]:  And we’ll have Johnny Weir anchor the NBC coverage.

Seriously, wtf is that?

Did Johnny Weir rob my Grandmother’s closet?

[IOC Chair]:  Fierce!

Unless you’re hoping for a nip slip, there’s no reason to watch Ice Dancing.  If they replaced the show tunes with some power ballads…maybe.  At least it’d be a step in the right direction. 

Who farted on Bob's pillow?

Who farted on Bob’s pillow?

Bob Costas

Bob’s no stranger to a teabag.  We hit him up in 2012 when he used halftime of the Sunday Night Game to pontificate about gun control.  Well, he’s back at it again.

Bob, commenting on the newest sport, Snowboarding Slopestyle, to hit the Olympic Games, had this to say:  “I think the president of the IOC should be Johnny Knoxville.  Basically this stuff is just Jackass stuff they invented and called Olympic sports.”

Dude...the Olympics are like, so dope!  Team USA!!!

Dude…the Olympics are like, so dope! Team USA!!!

Really, Bob?  Thanks for the “get your ball off my lawn” moment.  Why has Bob Costas changed from a lovable short guy to an ornery, pretentious, liberal prick?  So you don’t like the Nu Skool sports like snowboarding…they’re not traditional enough to be worthy of Olympic competition?  FYI, snowboarding’s been around since the 1960’s, and it’s been an Olympic sport since the 90’s.  Suck it.

You get the sense that Bobbo’s problem isn’t with snowboarding…but with snowboarders.  They don’t embody the [old white man’s] vision of an Olympic athlete.  Sure, they wear baggy pants, have dreads, listen to Sk8r rock, and probably smoke tons of weed, but you try and rock a Frontside Double McTwist 1260.  Then, try doing that high off your gourd…

If anything, it’s events like Slopestyle and the Halfpipe that are a breath of fresh air for the games.  They are fast and action-packed, unlike some of the other snoozefest events…how captivating can you make cross country skiing, or curling (unless, it’s done by these ladies).

Now this is how you legitimize your Olympic sport.

Love the technique here.

Now this is how you legitimize an Olympic sport.

Hey Bob, explain to us how snowboarding is less of a sport than Ice Dancing.  You can’t, but we’re willing to bet that you’re cool with Ice Dancing, because they “look like” Olympic athletes. 

How fitting was it that the United State’s first gold of the Games was in Slopestyle, and Bob was there to announce it and forced to recognize it. 

Jesus Christ man, give it up!

Jesus Christ man, give it up!

And thank you, NBC, for yanking Bob off the air with his horrible pink eye.  I get that announcing the Olympics is the height of your popularity, but come on man, that shit’s nasty.  To our delight, it set Twitter afire.  Here’s hoping that, in true Jackass style, some snowboarder farted in your pillow. 

Enjoy your teabag.

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