Tuesday Teabag, August 12, 2014 – Jon Bon Jovi

Not the recommended way to endear yourself to the Buffalo fanbase.

Not the recommended way to endear yourself to the Buffalo fanbase.

This is, by far, the most difficult Teabag The Machine’s ever written.  You can say that we’re at a Crossroad (note: this is the first of several, mostly unfunny, puns).  Normally, writing Teabags is a healthy, creative outlet for The Machine.  We get to expose cry baby millionaire athletes, petulant billionaire owners, jackass sports journalists, and anyone else that gets in our crosshairs.  Consider it our small comeuppance against the man.  You can say that writing Teabags is our Bed of Roses.

So why is this one so difficult?  Because now it’s personal.  Because now we have to, for the first time ever, confront our love of 80’s music and sports.  Yes, as much as it pains us to write this, our Tuesday Teabag goes to Jon Bon Jovi.  This is the hardest thing we’ve ever done, Besides Watching Childbirth (working title for next Jovi song).

Our whole life, The Machine has idolized…immortalized, Jon Bon Jovi.  He’s the answer to life’s most important questions.  Go to karaoke song?  Livin’ on a Prayer.  Need to play air piano?  Runaway.  A little boom-boom music for you and the Mrs.?  Never Say Goodbye.  Want to walk through your neighborhood like a badass?  Crank some Wanted Dead or Alive and giddy-up motherfucker.  But all that ends today.

You see, Bon Jovi is one of the people interested in purchasing the Buffalo Bills.  At first glance, this sounds awesome…Tommy and Gina were destined to settle down in Upstate New York.  And Jovi has some sports ownership cred; he owned the Philadelphia Soul and won the Arena Bowl in 2008.  Let’s face it, Buffalo (the City, the football team, the animal) could use a little star power, and who better than an A-lister like JBJ to bring some attention back to Western New York?

Trade in that stars and stripes denim for a maple leaf...

Trade in that stars and stripes denim for a maple leaf…

But therein lies the problem.  You see, Bon Jovi wants to buy the Bills…and then rip them out of Orchard Park Buffalo and move them to glitzy Toronto.  Need proof?  Bon Jovi is the face of one of the groups bidding the buy the Bills.  His partners are Toronto millionaires Larry Tannenbaum and the Rogers family.  Larry is the Chairman of Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment, which owns the Maple Leafs and Raptors, and the Rogers family is the Rogers of Rogers Communications, which owns the Blue Jays.  Basically, you couldn’t send a stronger signal that you want to move the team to Toronto, unless the Labatts Blue Bear became part owner.

JBJ let's do this!

JBJ let’s do this!

Need more proof?  Team Jovi is already investigating sites in Canada that would be suitable for an NFL stadium.  Miraculously, they are one of the final groups in the running to buy the Bills, along with the likes of Donald Trump, Tom Golisano, and (our personal fav) Terry Pegula.

We say miraculous because these hosers shouldn’t even be in the running.  Thanks to the late Ralph Wilson, the Bills and Ralph’s estate are prohibited from negotiating with any group that, to their knowledge, has an intention of relocating the team prior to the end of the lease term (2022).  Given that this group is actively looking at sites in Canada to build a stadium, isn’t that knowledge?  If not, we know the front office reads The Machine, so consider the knowledge dropped.

Anyway, back to Bon Jovi.  He recently wrote a letter that was a calculated PR move published in the Buffalo News explaining why he wants to own the Bills.  Noticeably absent from his letter is an express statement that he will not move the team.  Instead, it’s filled with ambiguous doublespeak…like he knows “how much the Bills mean to the people of this region.”  Seriously, who uses the phrase “the people of this region?”  I know who:  Canadians.  Also absent from his letter was explaining who his other partners are, instead just blandly referring them as “the ownership group of which I am a part.”  Does that sound like Rock star language to you?  Does that sound like the guy who wrote “shout though the heart, and you’re to blame, darlin’ you give love a bad name” [cue air guitar]

No, Bon Jovi is nothing more than a puppet for these Canadian war mongers.  Thankfully, the good people of Buffalo aren’t falling for it.  All over Buffalo, Bon Jovi-free zones have popped up, radio stations and bars prohibit Jovi from being played, and grassroots groups like the Bills Fan Thunder have formed.  And this local effort is gaining some momentum…and star power of its own.  Andre Reed said it best:  “Man, fuck Bon Jovi!”

Wanted Dead or Alive?  Nope, just dead.

Wanted Dead or Alive? Nope, just dead.

Moving the Bills would be crushing …it would seriously give the people of Buffalo no more reason to live.  Talk about down on your luck, it would be like losing 4 straight Super Bowls and having your most famous player in prison and widely believed to have committed double homicide.  Wait, never mind.

And, to top it all off, we’d get played by a bunch of Canadians.  Do you know the last time Canada beat the US in something?  Answer:  never.  When they win in hockey or curling, it’s because we don’t care.

Sorry Jovi, but we’re not falling for your rugged good looks, thick hair, and tight denim.  Not this time, anyway.  Your letter was a pathetic attempt to win some local support, and was filled with bullshit legalese and reeked of Molson XXX.  It was as fake and insincere as you could get.  Christ, Donald Trump looks more honest than you right now.

Don't let that gorgeous smile fool you.

Don’t let that gorgeous smile fool you.

Let’s call it like it is:  you’re trying to buy the Bills and move the last remaining vestige of relevancy out of Upstate New York.  That’s some Bad Medicine we’re just not gonna take.  Besides, if the Bills leave, what are these guys going to do on Sundays:

JBJ, we’re guessing you’ve never been to a Bills tailgating, or really known a Bills fan.  They are a rabid a relentless group of alcoholics passionate fans.  The smart thing to do is to walk away and let Terry Pegula buy the team.  Need more proof this is a bad idea?  Jovi’s got a blessing from Jerry Jones.  Come on Jovi, become our hero again.  Let’s walk these streets with a loaded six string on our backs, and play for keeps.

Finally, here’s a verse from our remix of I’ll Be There For You (renamed:  Stay the Hell Outta Buffalo):

Stay the hell outta Buffalo
These five words I swear to you
If you ever, move the Bills to Toronto
Buffalo will cut you…woah oh oh…we’ll cut you…

Enjoy your Teabag.

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