There certainly are a lot of teabags to dole out. From Ray Rice, to Roger Goodell (does anyone really believe the NFL didn’t have that video?) to Adrian Peterson. But domestic violence and child abuse are a bit much for us. Our comfort zone consists primarily of making fun of Tony Romo, cat gifs, and Kate Upton nip slips.
So instead, we’ll focus on something that’s been bothering us all year. And now we’ve finally had enough.
Derek Sanderson Jeter. You may have heard that he’s retiring this year. And by “may have heard”, I mean it’s a constant parade of immortalization. Puh-lease. Look, we get it. He’s a great player and certainly deserves recognition for his contribution to the game. We’re ok with the Yankees having Derek Jeter Day, Derek Jeter Week, or Derek Jeter Month. But for Christ sake, enough already. It’s absurd that opposing teams are honoring Jeter. In fact, here are some of the gifts he’s received from other teams (full list is here):
We’re hoping some team gives him a storage unit to put all this useless shit in. Seriously, a fucking bat bench??? He can relax in that after paddle boarding in his cowboy boots. Why are these teams complicit in the Jeter rub-and-tug fest? We’re guessing it has something to do with ticket sales. How else are you going to sell out an Indians game unless you promote it as Jeter’s last game in Cleveland?
More to the point, we’re annoyed that Jeter has somehow turned into the greatest baseball players of all-time. In order to receive the city-by-city award show, you better be the Michael-fucking-Jordan of your sport. And sorry Yankee fans, but he’s not. He’s not even close when considering all players…coming in 33rd on ESPN’s Top 100 players of all time. Shit, he’s not even the best player on his team…A-Rod’s 19th. He’s a little better when considering just shortstops, but still not the greatest. Take a look:
Jeter leads all shortstops in hits, runs, and strikeouts, and he’s anywhere from 3rd to 46th in other categories. Sorry, but that doesn’t get you the ego-stroking, masturbatory nationwide celebration. His stats (and World Series victories) will get him into the Hall of Fame and Yankee Monument Park no doubt, but he’s not the greatest shortstop of all-time.
But Ginger King, you say, you were totally cool with the over-the-top celebrations for Mariano Rivera last year…why the change of heart, Mr. Grinch? It’s true: our heart gets smaller every year (the 12 pack…err…7 pack of Coors Light Mrs. Machine received for Christmas is proof) but that’s not why. The reason The Machine has no problem with the Mariano Rivera world tour is simple: who’s the greatest closer of all-time? Answer: Mariano Rivera. Bar none. You cannot say the same thing about Derek Jeter.
Proof positive of that is that the Captain –statistically speaking—is having one of the worst seasons in his career. He’s at career lows in several categories, including runs, hits, RBI, and stolen bases. Not exactly what you want for a guy hitting second in the lineup. And the kicker is that the Yankees are still in the playoff hunt. They’re only 5 games out of the wildcard with 2 weeks left to play. Normally, when your star player is in a career slump, the manager will move them down in the lineup, to put the team in the best position to win and to (hopefully) get him out of the slump. Seems like a no-brainer…but not Jeter, because, as noted by the Daily News, moving him in the lineup “could embarrass the star.” Jeter should take it upon himself to tell Girardi to move him down. That’s what real Captains do. They put the team ahead of themselves. But then the Jeter star wouldn’t shine so bright.
But please, let’s not feel sorry for Derek. He’s going from playing baseball, being a multi-millionaire and banging supermodels…to being a multi-millionaire and banging supermodels. Oh yeah, and living in this house.
Forgive me if I don’t get all choked up.
Enjoy your teabag.