Happy New Year Machine fans. This year, we promise to bring you more of what you love. More NFL Draft coverage, more gratuitous pictures of Kate Upton (you’re welcome), and yes, more teabags. So let’s get right to our first teabag of 2014. Crazy Mom #1 Queary: Is there a better group of sports fans than drunk moms? Answer: No. They’re fun, totally irrational, DTF, and fiercely protective of their family. And that was on full display last week at the Sugar Bowl, where Alabama played Oklahoma. Let’s let the gif do the talking and then we’ll fill in the details: As the story goes, as reported by our friends at Deadspin, Michelle Pritchett, sweet mother of three and an Alabama fan, was at the game with her family and was engaged in some harmless back and forth with some Oklahoma fans. Then, things quickly got out of control. As shown on the gif above (and youtube clip below) Michelle – mom jeans and all – launches herself several rows down and lands on top of the Oklahoma crew. If you haven’t seen it (or even if you have seen it several dozen times, like us, it’s worth a view again): According to Michelle, she was just protecting her family (who was nowhere near danger, btw). Said Michelle, “It escalated. When they said something to my son, I told them to shut their mouths. They were telling my son to come down there and ‘do something about it.’ I said, ‘no, that’s not going to happen. This crap needs to stop.” Michelle then goes full suburban mom, and both apologizes and takes no responsibility at the same time. “I apologize to the whole Alabama team, to Nick Saban,” she said. “I apologize to the whole Alabama base. That’s not the way I would normally handle things. But when he told my son to come down there, that wasn’t going to happen.” She then added, “Would I take that back? No. He was out of control.” And, just so we’re all clear, Michelle was not, repeat, not, drunk. “And I wasn’t intoxicated either. I want people to know that. I’d had a couple of drinks, but I was not intoxicated.” Bweep, bweep, bweep…there’s The Machine’s Bullshitdar going off the charts. Of course she was hammered. That video has white girl wasted written all over it. Perhaps it’s a cultural thing (The Machine is admittedly ignorant/scared of the South) but if by “a couple of drinks” she means a peanut butter jar of moonshine, then we’d agree she only had a couple of drinks. And we love her justification for jumping into a crowd of people at a sporting event in front of her family. They [the big, mean Oklahoma fans] told her son to come on down, presumably to fight. So mom, selfless, good hearted mom who just wants to protect her so (who, btw is nowhere in the video). Ah, irrationality, a clear sign of drunk mom. Thankfully, more creative people love this story and have put together music montages for our viewing pleasure. There are several, but we like this one (set to Sweet Home Alabama, heavy metal, and sound effects from Street Fighter) Sorry, one more, for you Miley Cyrus fans (looking at you, Roid Rage)
Crazy Mom #2 Because one crazy mom isn’t enough…The Machine has another one for you. We’re staying in the South and with Alabama, apparently a hot bed of milfs crazy middle-aged white women. Dee Dee McCarron, mother to AJ McCarron, Alabama’s quarterback, is apparently still scorned that her little angel (pronounced “aiinjel”) lost the Heisman to FSU Quarterback Jameis Winston. And when mom’s mad, she does what all rational people do…Tweet! Yes, after the historic National Championship Game Monday night between FSU and Auburn, truly a game for the ages, Heisman winning QB (and freshman) Jameis Winston was interviewed on the field. Here’s what he had to say. What a moment for Jameis and FSU. His remarks were genuine, heartfelt, and humble…three things that very few college freshman are. However, Dee Dee (with a name like Dee Dee, do you get the sense a troubling day for her involves running out of fresh mint for her mint julep?) not happy seeing some other college quarterback share take the spotlight from her baby, instantly tweeted:
Her tweet was quickly deleted, but not before the damage was done. Now granted, diction may not be Jameis’ strongest suit, but it’s clear what he’s saying, just as it’s clear Dee Dee’s tweet has a not so subtle racial overture. To clear up any confusion, Dee Dee then tweeted:
Any1 that knows our family knows we r far from racist. My tweet was not in anyway meant that way. I sincerely apologize if it offended any1 — Dee Dee McCarron (@DeeDeeBonner) January 7, 2014
As a general rule, if you have to send out a clarifying message that says “we are far from racist” it probably means you’re not as far as you think. Is anyone surprised that Dee Dee’s twitter profile reads: “Proud Ma of 4 boys. Feisty and will defend them to the end.” Even if the end involves quasi-racist comments to the world.
Enjoy your teabag.